When you hear that word there’s a few things that most likely come to mind; taboo, dangerous, dependency. I’ll admit, it’s a touchy subject. I struggle to talk about it in complete truth with a lot of people because of how much judgement comes from this subject. But this day and age, with parenting, what isn’t constantly judged? Honestly you could tell someone you feed your kid nothing but organic kale cakes and the best goat milk you hand retrieved from the mountains of Tibet..and you’ll hear something. SO I have decided to shed some light on what is sometimes an inevitable or hidden part of parenting.
I remember when I was pregnant and I had all these plans for Harper in her first few weeks. I was going to start sleep training the day she was home. I was going to put her in her crib at precisely 6 o’clock every night with no nursing, no pacifier, and she was going to sleep through the night. But if she didn’t I was going to be calm and patient always, despite getting little to no sleep. She was also never going to sleep next to me under any circumstances LOL. Can all the parents please take a moment to laugh with me at my fantastic expectations.
Now, I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, and to be honest Harper was a fantastic sleeper, but as you’ll hear daily, all babies are different. The first night home was rough. Harper had been in NICU with myself going up every 3 hours to feed her after I was discharged. You can nap, but there’s no option for real sleep when you’re up that often. I felt more emotionally overwhelmed than I knew how to handle. I was ecstatic that she was finally out of the NICU, sad that she was still on oxygen, shocked I was holding a 3 day old tiny human that I now had to take care of, and exhausted. Exhausted was never an emotion in my life until becoming a mom. There we were at 2 AM, she wasn’t getting enough to eat after many cluster feeds, she would doze off and I’d try to set her in the pack n play, and she’d wake up instantly. That had been going on for a few hour. I was at a loss. I remember sitting there thinking “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing but I need sleep”. Marcus had put the mattress on the floor of the living room and was out there sleeping, so I took Harper and put her next to me, gave her the binky, rubbed her back and she was out in less than 30 seconds..and slept for 4 hours. I took the blankets off me, moved pillows and finally slept. I woke up in the exact same spot, and she was still peacefully sleeping on her back. That was it, that block of peaceful sleep listening to my new baby girl sigh and sleep next to me showed me why people encourage it.
But, I will not pretend there are not risks. There are many, but I do know that from my experience there are many MANY ways to prevent dangerous situations from even being able to happen.
Try different sleeping arrangements. I later learned the pack n play was too big, dark and noisy for a new baby. She was terrified. Harper didn’t sleep in our bed every night, all night. In fact that rarely happened. I invested in this Fisher Price Rocker and it was the most important baby item I bought. We’d do our nightly routine, she’d eat in the side lying position, then I’d put her in the rocker after she’d fallen asleep. After about 3 weeks of this, she was sleeping for 6,7, and sometimes even 8-10 hours a night. When she did wake, I’d scoop her up, feed her lying down and repeat. Occasionally we’d both doze off, and I’d wake up with her soft little hand on my cheek. Sometime’s she would make little cooing noises, and occasionally she’d bless us with a blow horn worthy fart to wake us all up for a good laugh. The rocker was cozy for her, it was soft, warm and made her feel confined and womb-like. We used that rocker until she outgrew it at 6 months.
Make sure that if your little one is in your bed, they are on their back. When you think of SIDS you probably think of suffocation or smothering from your or your significant other’s body, but in fact one of the main “causes” ( I say that in quotations because there has been no proof to causes) is when a baby breathes back in the carbon dioxide they are meant to be exhaling. This can cause the brain to think it doesn’t need to take breaths. For instance if they are lying on their side, all the baby snuggles are very cute, but they’re just rebreathing their air and you’re also blowing your own carbon dioxide right into their face. So to avoid this I would put Harper higher than me, sleep without pillows or any blankets past my waist and make sure my face was in line with her stomach. I always slept with her back or leg against my hand, something that if she moved I would know instantly. But as for me, I woke up the instant she would move. Younger infants (0-6 months) don’t have the natural instinct to move when they’re brain comes into continuous contact with stale air. That’s why they’re not meant to sleep on their stomachs until at least 6 months. Keeping them on their backs, or on their side but away from anything too close, can keep fresh air cycling.
If you are breast feeding, I would definitely recommend buying some extra cheap sheets for the first few months. This is the one “baby” item I tell everyone to get. You will be flowing day and night, and if you’re dreamfeeding (nursing your dozing/sleeping baby) you’re going to leak all over. Even if you’re not co sleeping or nursing in bed, if you’re EBF there’s a high chance you’re going to fill up at night and leak on your sheets. I usually slept with no shirt cause it was easier to feed her, but then I’d be so tired and if she wasn’t with us I’d just turn over on my stomach and my sheets were soaked. Delicious, right? Our sheets had little stains after one night, so I’d change them 3 times a week. That’s a lot of laundry. I even went as far as to get those training pads for puppies and putting them under the sheets and double sheeting. This actually worked really good, but was a little too noisy. Even if you're not breastfeeding but you are cosleeping, babies are messy. Diapers don’t catch everything and when sickness hits a baby it happens out of nowhere.
Know your limits. There’s a difference between tired, exhausted, and don’t know what your name is stupid tired. Another thing I learned when becoming a mother. I didn’t/won’t let Harper sleep or nap with me when I am absolutely stupid tired. It’s not safe because I’m zonked out and I don’t want her to fall off the bed or get a blanket over her in my state of sleep coma. As a mom, I’m always tired...exhausted even. But in the few times I have been the I am going to sleep or fall over standing stage, I make sure she is in her rocker/crib.
One question I have been asked frequently is how Harper took being crib trained. Isn’t the word trained such an odd thing to say about a baby? All I image is her in her tracksuit while we do exercises in her crib. I wish! Anyways, yes and no. It’s been easier in some aspects, like putting her in their to fall asleep. I still have to nurse her rock her a bit, but I enjoy the cuddles. She wakes up more throughout the night now. When she was with us or right next to us, she slept all night. Now she wakes up 2 or 3 times, and sometimes she’ll wake up, fuss, then roll over and fall back asleep. But sometimes she’s aware she’s alone or maybe cold and she wants mom. She has only spent one full night in our bed since she was 6 months (April) and that was the night she had a fever of 102. I was scared and so we stripped the bed and watched her while she slept between us. She goes to sleep in her own crib, I occasionally get up and rock her or nurse her again.
I will admit when she wakes up at 3-4 and wants held and I’m dead tired I’ll bring her in. Marcus is up at 6 anyways and I enjoy the cuddles in the peace of the night, then when Marcus’ alarm goes off she’s up pulling on his ears or giving him kisses, giggling, trying to play with Cam..and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
The main piece of advice I can give for crib transition is patience. How much do you hear that as a parent? The first few nights were actually very easy. Then she started to catch on she wasn’t with us, and there was a 2 weeks where she was up every half hour. It was extremely hard on Marcus and I. But you HAVE to continue on if you want to be successful. I will probably do a seperate post on transitioning, but it doesn't happen overnight. Harper is almost 1 and we’re still working on it.
Cosleeping is not all snuggles and fun. In fact to do so safely it’s basically no snuggles, unless they’re older. Harper sometimes naps with us or spends the early mornings with us, and then she’ll lay her head on Marcus’ chest or put her feet on me, but before she was old enough it was actually very rigid. I often woke up with back and neck soreness from sleeping in one spot, I got thrown up on, peed on, a foot to the face and fingers in the nose often. But I got to sleep. Both of us did. Cosleeping helped my mental sanity; our first house wasn’t in a great neighborhood and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her room setting. It made nursing easy, Marcus is a one position sleeper so there was no concern there. I won’t pretend I regret it because I loved the time I had falling asleep and waking up to my beautiful daughter. Sometime I wonder if I’m bringing her in with me for her or me. It’s very emotional going from her being inside me, to right next to me, to across the hall. But Marcus and I needed our bed back, even if she wakes up or comes in at 4, that time from 9 to whenever is uncramped, I can finally hold my boyfriend, no cricks in the neck, I don’t have to wash my sheets daily anymore. Harper is learning to self soothe, and even our dog goes back and forth to sleeping with us to sleeping by her crib. Things are getting easier day by day, but there’s still nights where I know she misses us, and we miss her. Luckily, nothing beats walking into her room the sight of her standing waiting for me with a big smile on her face.